“You’re an idiot if you have been asking: Who is Donald Trump? Have you been living in a cave or something? I’m the world’s best deal-maker and your next supreme leader (okay, president, whatever).
“Have you seen the latest polls? I’m crushing those losers who are running against me, just crushing them. You know, when I first started this thing, I was worried that people would be too stupid to see how great I am. But it turns out that the stupid people love me. And I love them. Sure, they’re stupid, and I give them a hard time about it, but it’s all in fun.
“What a mess the world is, eh? But we just need a leader who knows how to get things done, and I’m your guy.
“First, we need to build a wall and keep the wetbacks out. Sure, they pick our fruit, mow our lawns, clean our houses, and raise our kids — and we don’t want to do those things. But we already have enough of them. More keep coming because Mexico is a dump and we give away free stuff — education, health care, and drinks at the casino tables. It’s a losing deal for us, and the Rio Grande isn’t slowing them down. Have you seen that river? It’s pathetic, there’s nothing ‘grande’ about it. So we need the wall.
“We also need to keep the Muslims out. I’ll make deals with their leaders so that the Middle East isn’t such a hellhole and the hanky-heads aren’t so desperate to leave. And I’ll explain to them that suicide missions are a bad deal. Do they really have a contract guaranteeing all those virgins in heaven? I don’t think so.
“Now, let’s look at the major players in the world.
“China’s a really big player, because they’ve got all that cheap labor and they make everything. You want sexy lingerie for your girl? Or a toy train for your kid? Where do you think they make that stuff? If you say Des Moines, you’re an idiot. It’s China. But China needs us to buy their stuff. The working chink can’t buy it, because he makes 14 cents an hour. So I’ll talk to this guy Xi and get us a good deal. He’ll stop this cyber attack baloney and start trading fair with us. ‘Xi’ — what the hell kinda name is that? Now, Mao — he killed lots of people, but so what? At least he had a normal chink name.
“There’s Russia, too. Russia used to be really important. Remember how everybody was afraid of them during the Cold War, with all that shoe banging and missile pointing? Of course, they took a big hit with the collapse of communism and that whole thing. Now they’re like a huge gas station with nukes. But they still got all those nukes, so we gotta deal with them. But I know how to talk to Putin; he’s my kinda guy. And he sure has been “putin” it to Obama, hasn’t he? Well, he won’t do that to me.
“In the big picture, that’s it, really: America, China and Russia. We’ll split up the world in a fair way — like, half for us, a third for China and a third for Russia. I know, some mathematics guy will tell me the numbers don’t add up right. But nobody likes those eggheads, anyway.
“Speaking of eggheads, some of them criticize me for not having a political philosophy. They say sometimes I support Democrats and sometimes Republicans, and I’ll cut deals with everybody from communists to religious dictators. They say that I have no principles. But so what? They’re eggheads, nobody cares what they say. These are the nerds we picked on in school. Principles? What would I do with them if I had them? People are just people, I don’t put labels on them. Everybody wants the same thing — to grab as much money and power as possible.
“That’s the deal. Vote for me and I’ll cut you in on the action. The world you desire — where we’re raking in the chips and the other groups are suckers — it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”